It’s Subwise #5 from the Submissive Guide. Reflecting in the past year, how have you progressed in your submission? What challenges have you overcome and what others are you still working on?
Let’s start with how I feel I’ve progressed and what I’ve overcome this year, shall we:
- Now that it’s just the two of us, I’ve been able to more focus on Sir’s needs. He has clear expectations and that has really helped me become more secure with who I am and with the relationship.
- I’ve learned more of what I like when we play. I will admit that playing with others is more Sir’s need than mine, but I’ve really enjoyed our play dates. But I have also learned that I still need to keep a bit of control. I’m not comfortable just meeting someone and then handing everything over, even if Sir’s right there. I need to always have a safe way out that doesn’t make me feel like I’m letting people down. I now have an escape phrase that lets Sir know that I’m uncomfortable and want to leave or that I need to talk to him in private. I’ve also learned that I like less pain with others than I do with Sir, so we keep the stingy toys at home.
- I’ve done well to be a good upgrade(I went to JCP and they asked for my phone number. Sir’s ex-wife’s name came up. I told the clerk that I was the replacement and she asked, “Replacement or upgrade?” I told her I was absolutely an upgrade.) for our families and friends. We’ve made some new kinky friends, visited other friends and family and done all the social stuff.
- I’ve finally gotten a clear definition in my head of what it means to be co-dependent. That goes along with accepting myself and realizing that I wouldn’t want to be any other way.
- I feel like I can take more of a physical punishment. I find myself trying extra hard to remember what I’m suppose to do because I know it will hurt if I screw up.
Things I’m still working on:
- Well the other day I bucked. At least that’s what I call it. It’s my version of “Screw you, I’m going home.” It’s basically me feeling sorry for myself and not communicating my needs. Luckily, no one was home and while they dogs looked at me strange as I wailed, no damage was done. It was about the house. I was sick and can’t clean and it is so so bad. I really need Sir to step up and help me when I’m sick, but I’ve never talked about it with him. That is something I still need to do. It’s hard for me to accept my limitations so I deny them and feel miserable when they come up.
- Communication is always one of my big issues. I tend to try to hide my feelings. We’ve worked out a system so when I’m upset and feel like I need to hide I will tell him and he’s let me go off for a little bit then he’ll find me and we’ll talk. We have yet to try this out yet. I hope it works. I do need time to collect my thoughts when I’m upset, but I need to not bury them.
- I trying to take my punishments without crying. Sir hates to see me cry. So far, this is not going so well.
- I still need to work on a manageable routine for the house. I had one all set up, but it just didn’t work.
- I’m trying to regain my strength from being sick so much this year. I want to be able to consistently give oral without the need to use my hand.
I’ve been trying to think of a New Year resolution. I want to continue last years and work on keeping the house consistently clean. I think this year I want to be better about recycling. We don’t have a service so it has to be taken to the bins – which means I’m not so good about it. I’d like to cash cans in and donate the money to charity. Wish me luck.
Other people participate in SubWise. Check them out.
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